Nighttime Parenting: Part 1

A few weeks ago I had a very interesting conversation on the topic of babies/ sleep/ nighttime parenting. I've been meaning to blog about it ever since because when I say interesting, I mean annoying, and when I say conversation, I mean inquisition.

I'm still not sure my thoughts are completely clear or organized (hmmm, perhaps I need more sleep?) but here goes...

It started out innocently, with something like Do you rock him to sleep? and quickly progressed to Well, how long exactly do you let him cry when he wakes up?

Now, questions about how well a baby is sleeping (or not) are annoying enough (not to mention that they caught me totally off guard in a conversation that was otherwise made up of random chit-chat and pleasantries), but did I mention that the person* who was asking those particular questions doesn't even have kids? Yeah.

Anyway, I tried not to be overly defensive (because maybe I read him wrong?) and explained that Littlebat often puts himself to sleep at nap time after some quiet playtime in his crib, but that at night he is much less independent- and that in general, the longer it takes me to get to him when he wakes (meaning, the longer it takes me to stop what I'm doing and make it upstairs), the more frantic his cries.

I also explained that there are different types of crying- and that I would never leave him to cry if he were really crying instead of just fussing, or if my intuition told me that he needed me.

I also said that when Littlebat was a newborn, he so very rarely cried that it simply felt wrong not to respond immediately when he did. It just didn't seem fair. After all, infants cry as a way of communicating! And I think that parents should always listen and respond to their children, no matter the method of communication (crying and whining included).

I also told him (noting the suspicious, disapproving look he was giving me) that in fact, nighttime parenting is a hotly contested topic (you know, among parents), and that I firmly believe that each family is different and should do what they feel is best for their children.

I didn't even mention that I frequently nurse him to sleep for naps (if he's tired and falls asleep while nursing) and almost always at bedtime... I didn't want to have to get ugly if the conversation turned in any way negative regarding breastfeeding and/or extended breastfeeding (besides, that's a whole other post).

But the whole thing got me thinking about (wanting to blog about) nighttime parenting...

The term "nighttime parenting" is actually one of my favorites. It's from The Baby Book by Dr. Sears (as far as I know), and the concept makes a lot of sense to me. Parenting doesn't pause when the sun goes down. In fact, that's when it's most challenging (duh). I used to give myself a little pep talk while pacing between the bedroom and the kitchen with a newborn Littlebat in my arms, willing him to fall asleep and stay asleep. I'd tell myself that there were going to be some good nights and some bad nights, and as tired as I might have been, I'd think about what kind of parent I wanted to be, and that all that pacing and bouncing and patting and singing was nighttime parenting. Truth be told, it helped a lot.

We've had a lot of good nights in the last 14 and a half months, but we've had our share of bad ones too. And I don't think it's a secret that I've experienced a bit of sleep deprivation along the way (then again, most PARENTS have). Though I don't think that makes our way of doing things any less "right"- for us.

And our way (by the way) is cosleeping. When he outgrew his cosleeper at around 7 months (when he could easily pull up on the sides and could have fallen out) we began putting him in his crib for naps and for the first part of the night- before we come to bed. Even so, we've continued to bring him into bed with us when he wakes up (which he always does), and I still nurse him on demand throughout the night (anywhere between 1 and 5 times). And our bedtime routine still centers around our the family bed.

For the first 8 months, this arrangement worked perfectly. Littlebat slept soundly, woke gently, nursed back to sleep quickly, and most importantly (hope that doesn't come across wrong) I was well-rested. Things changed though, when we hit the nine month sleep regression. He spent a few weeks practicing walking in his sleep and waking with every creak of the house and stretch of the dog, and I became a zombie. Things have gotten better, then worse, then better, then worse again over the last six months. He doesn't seem phased by it, but I've been riding the line between getting just a little more than enough sleep to function, and being at my absolute wit's end. And I've recently (finally) come to the conclusion that things may never go back to the way they were before that fateful sleep regression. That is, unless we do something about it.

But even though I want Littlebat to sleep more soundly, and I desperately want (need) to get more sleep myself, I do not intend to radically change the way we nighttime parent. I don't want to stop cosleeping (completely). And I don't want to stop night-nursing just yet. And I'm definitely not going to let him CIO, ever (by the way- you can Google "cry-it-out" if you really want to see what the fuss- no pun intended- is all about). I'm also not too keen on going to bed when he goes to bed (though I do it sometimes) because even though that would mean a bit more sleep, those few hours of alone/ adult (sometimes blog) time are very precious to me.

I am prepared to defend my right to nighttime parent in anyway I see fit, be that to friends/ strangers with children or without, pediatricians, relatives, the Internets, whomever. I'm also glad to respectfully agree to disagree since I know (first-hand) how personal a decision it is.

Disclaimer: I'm aware that I'm using "I" a lot here... and there's a good reason for that. When Littlebat was about 4 months old and still in the cosleeper, I told Papa that it didn't make sense for both of us to be awake just to move him into bed with us, so I let him sleep through and took on the job of nighttime parenting myself. It seemed like a good idea at the time...

Which brings us to now. Prior to the conversation described above, I'd been thinking that WE should probably be working toward some solution (please, God) to Littlebat's frequent night waking and restlessness. This is easier said then done of course, one reason being that Papa is pretty used to having a full-night's sleep and therefore sleeps like a rock, and I'm pretty used to being awake every two hours (even if Littlebat's not) and therefore I don't sleep well, no matter what anyone else is doing. I've only recently been able to articulate my feelings on the matter (beyond poking Papa's arm at 3am, which is utterly useless). And we've talked about it, but neither of us have any idea of what to do.

So, last week I went out and bought a book called The No-Cry Sleep Solution for Toddlers and Preschoolers, which I've seen recommended on a few parenting blogs.

One problem we have is that when he wakes up, he almost always wakes up screaming. And that's not fun. Though I suspect it has more to do with his personality than anything else (he's ultra-sensitive, especially when he's tired). Also, he doesn't have any long/ deep sleep cycles anymore. At bedtime, he goes down for between 2-3 hours on average, then he wakes every 2-3 hours after that until morning, sometimes more frequently, depending on how fully he wakes the first time. He used to sleep for 4-6 hour stretches, even when he was just weeks old, but those days are long gone. He also used to be able to put himself back to sleep, but now... not so much (in other words, not at all). He doesn't always nurse back to sleep, but he does always need ME to pick him up/ cuddle him.

One good thing is that he's been taking marathon naps lately- sometimes up to two and a half hours at a time! This is huge for us. He's never been a great napper, and never in his life has he napped that long. On the flip side, he's starting to transition from two naps to one. It depends on the flow of the day. And it can be a good thing (2 1/2 hour naps, yeah!) or it can be a total disaster (like when he takes one 30 minute morning nap, then won't sleep for the rest of the day). I know that we're eventually going to have to pick a nap time (or two), and try to stick to it, but for now I'm leaving it alone and just letting it flow... I mean, who am I to look a two-hour nap horse in the mouth?

And that's where we are right now. Are you all still awake?

So far (I'm only about 40 pages in), it seems like the book serves mainly to empower the parent- to honestly review their child's sleep patterns, to offer support and a lengthy list of suggestions (from which you select your solutions- kind of like a choose-your-own sleep adventure), and to help you formulate a plan for better sleep. Then it's up to you to put the plan into action and gently, patiently, doggedly pursue a longer, more peaceful night's rest for the entire family.

And so far, I'm on board with that. In fact, we've already semi-established a new bedtime routine, and Littlebat is two for two in falling asleep by himself in his crib (with me sitting nearby). He woke up about 45 minutes later both times... but it's a start.

To be continued!


*I have no idea if this person reads the blog. If he does, I hope I haven't offended him. In fact, I hope I haven't offended anyone with any part of this (or any other) post. I don't mean to suggest that not being a parent negates one's right to have opinions on parenting topics (I certainly had my share of opinions prior to actually becoming a parent myself). Neither do I mind discussing (even defending) my parenting style with others. However, parent or not, I wish we could all be a little less judgemental of each other's choices... and that goes for all topics of discussion.