Grief, anger, acceptance, pain

Yesterday was one of the lowest days of my life. The grief was utterly overwhelming... I could not stop crying. I didn't want to be alone, so I called my mom, who came over to stay with me and Luc until Sonepheth got home from work. I was feeling slightly better, and then it started to snow...

I was so angry. I was angry at heaven and earth! I simply could not believe that Kira was missing the winter's first snowfall. She loved the snow so much (almost as much as she loved to swim, which is a lot). Then Sonepheth said something that lifted my spirits... that maybe Kira had sent the snow for us. And it made so much sense. It gave me peace.

We knew that if Kira did send the snow, she would want us to go out and play in it, so we did. It was ridiculously cold, but we put Luc in his snow suit and bundled ourselves up, and ran around the yard with Kelly, slipping and sliding and tossing snow into the air. And I was finally able to reach a point of acceptance. I can see her as a spirit now and feel her in my heart. Today as I drove to work, everywhere I looked I saw Kira's snow, covering every tree branch and field and rooftop. And as I looked, I told her over and over again that I loved her and that I missed her and that we would never forget her.

Unfortunately, that doesn't make it any easier. I'm still pretty much devastated. I'm afraid that I'll never get over Kira's death. And my heart just breaks for Kelly. Sometimes she seems fine, then she'll suddenly launch a frantic search. And I just tell her that it's okay, but that Kira isn't coming home. She is eating, which is a good sign, but we have to tell her to go potty or she won't. She'll just run around the yard making little woof sounds, desperately listening for any sign of her sister. And I know it's only been two days, but God, when is that going to end? It just kills me. When is the pain (hers and mine) going to go away?