Now hear this!

I recently had another one of my pregnancy induced sudden realizations... I realized that I am actually really looking forward to experiencing labor. I am truly and honestly excited about it! I mean it. No, this realization did not coincide with a head injury... I'm fine.

In the beginning I did have those moments where it would suddenly hit me that the passing of days and weeks and months meant something entirely different than before, it suddenly meant that giving birth to a baby was coming my way. And yes, sometimes that would freak me out! But now I just feel a kind of happy anticipation.

For a while now, I've been trying to imagine what birth will be like, how intense the pain might be, and how I'll manage it (I know, I know... that's impossible, I keep hearing). I've spent a lot of mental energy getting my head in the right place. And you know what? I feel very positive about it now. Most importantly, I am not afraid. I believe in my body. I believe in my resolve. I know I can do it. I think you have to believe in yourself if you truly want it.

So, now hear this everyone! I intend to have a natural childbirth. I do not plan* to use any medications or unnecessary medical interventions. I believe in my strength and I believe that I can do it. Thank you for supporting me and believing in me also!

*Please read the remainder of this post before deciding that I have completely lost my mind. I fully understand that for every plan, there is an equal and opposite plan B.

I am not about to proclaim, 'don't give me drugs, even if I scream for them!'. If I were actually screaming for drugs, it would already be over! Duh. But, I am also not going to enter into labor with the attitude that 'well, I'll try a natural birth, but if it gets to be too much, I'll just take the epidural'. I feel that this would be defeating myself before I even had a chance to succeed. Again, duh.

After all, the way I see it, my body has been through this once before. During the miscarriage, my body guided me through all the normal steps of the birth process. I had to trust my body then, and I'll have to trust it this time too. The difference is that the first experience was almost completely devoid of physical pain, and not just because the baby was so small. I felt almost nothing. I can remember at one point the emergency room doctor asking me if I could feel what he was doing, and being truly unable to say whether I did or not. It was a total mind-body disconnect, a feeling that's really hard to describe. After going through that level of intense emotional pain, it seems almost silly to be afraid of the physical.


It just seems like almost everyone who talks about labor and birth, men and women alike, have this 'yeah, just you wait...' kind of attitude when I tell them I am hoping and planning for a natural, gentle childbirth at a birth center. Thankfully, it only matters that I believe in myself, in the process of birth, and in the baby. It's also a tremendous help that Sonepheth and my midwives believe in me too.

I always feel obligated at a certain point in any conversation about labor to offer, especially to a woman who has already experienced it, that even though I intend to have a natural childbirth, out of respect to those who've come before me, I'll take the wait and see approach to changing my mind about that sweet, sweet epidural... and I honestly don't want to come across as being so ignorant and casual about labor pain, and so unimpressed by the horror stories they recount... of 48 hour labors and emergency c-sections and tearing... but the truth is that I would prefer not to hear so many of those stories. Of all the women who have recently shared the graphic details of their childbirth experiences (and that's just about every human female I've come into contact with in the last two months), I've heard only one positive birth story. And that's not all! These conversations almost always seem to conclude with a little wink and a chuckle, like 'natural childbirth? ha, good luck with that'. It makes me feel like I should be doubting myself...

Luckily I am smarter than that!

I do keep in mind a select few. I need to remember things like 'it's okay if you opt for the drugs, she was very glad she did,' or 'sometimes it goes so fast, you don't even have time to get the bag with the Uno cards out of the car,' or 'you were born by emergency c-section on a snowy February afternoon'. Because those are the stories, from people who care about me and who I know support me, that will help me cope during labor, no matter what happens.

It's a real comfort to know that what's happening to you and the pain you are feeling and what seems so utterly hopeless sometimes (physically or emotionally), has happened to so many women before you... and they did it, and so can you. I often think about the millions of women who have given birth naturally, out of a hospital setting, in a field or a forest. And there are so many women who have come before me and given birth in this way that I feel comforted and supported in such a way that seems to literally wash through me and overflow.

Now, if I do end up with an induced labor, hospital birth, epidural, or even cesarean, will I be disappointed? Yes, probably. Will I be completely devastated? I don't think so. Just as I have confidence in my ability to endure natural childbirth, I have confidence that if faced with a problem, prior to or during labor, that makes a totally natural childbirth impossible, I'll handle it as it happens. That's one reason I feel totally comfortable with my midwives. I know that they share my belief (in me) and that if during labor they suddenly say 'you've done all you can do, it's time for a cesarean' I'll be like (probably through tears) 'hey baby, let's go, let's get you the hell out of there'. That's what it's all about after all.