Catching Up

I thought my first post on this blog would be to reveal our happy news to those of to you who hadn't heard. Instead, I am writing to catch you up on what you might have missed. For 15 1/2 weeks, we knew the true joy of expecting a child. We were so looking forward to becoming parents and welcoming a new baby into our family. It was an awesome feeling and an experience that made me appreciate every moment of every day. Sadly, we had a miscarriage on October 9th, 2005. There were a lot of people who never heard the news, and even so I feel it is important to share our experience with all of our friends and family.

We found out we were pregnant in late July, but didn't start telling anyone until early September. In my first trimester I had good days and bad, a lot of nausea and all other usual symptoms, which our midwives said was a good sign. We had our first appointment on September 8th, and when we couldn't hear the heartbeat and my uterus felt smaller than it should have been for 11 weeks, we went the following Monday for an ultrasound. Everything looked normal, and they sized the baby at 9 weeks, 2 days. The heartbeat was strong at 152 beats per minute. I was worried because I had kept a very accurate journal of my cycle, and of the signs and symptoms of pregnancy, and I knew we were further along than the ultrasound indicated. We decided to focus on the positive and tried to relax.

By the end of that week though, I had something new and much more serious to worry about. After 12 weeks of absolutely no spotting or cramping, I suddenly had both. It lasted the weekend and my midwives advised that we would have to wait it out and see what nature/ God/ the cosmos had in store. For the next three weeks I prayed a lot, meditated, took deep breaths and just waited. I celebrated every new day that I was still pregnant. Everything seemed to be moving along (almost) perfectly. There was some random spotting, but I did a lot of reading, and it seemed there were multiple explanations for that. I accepted the discrepancy between my LNMP dating and the ultrasound dating and just trusted in the miracle that was, I assumed, still growing inside me. I certainly still felt pregnant, my clothes were getting tighter and in fact, towards the end of the third week I had actually started wearing maternity pants. I was starting to show (sort of) and I was elated. Of course during these three weeks Sonepheth and I also had plenty of time to discuss the unknown, to talk about our feelings and all the what ifs. I had three weeks time to imagine that immense sadness and to think about how I would get through it if we did end up losing this baby. I think I owe my life to those three weeks.

We spent most of Sunday October 9th in the hospital. It all happened very fast. Sonepheth and I were able to remain calm and present throughout. I underwent a procedure called a D&C, which is a simple surgery to empty the uterus and ensure that there will not be any further complications from the miscarriage. We asked to see the baby and they allowed us to. I am grateful to have had the strength and courage I needed to make the request and not to let the nervous ER doctor talk us out of it. It was one of the most beautiful sights I have ever seen. So tiny and peaceful. We decided weeks ago to identify our baby as Jai, which means heart in Lao. It would have been his or her middle name, but now it is just part of the way we remember.

The last weeks and days have been emotional. Sonepheth and I have talked about it every day and let no thought go unsaid. I have tried to be conscious of every emotion, however intense or unexpected, and present in every moment to fully experience every part of the grieving and recovery process. We have both been able to reach a peaceful place. At first the thought of trying again was unbearable. Lately I've found myself daydreaming a little though, so I may be almost to the point where I can start to seriously consider the future again.

Sonepheth and I both appreciate you sharing in this experience with us, whether you knew we were expecting, or whether this is the first you've heard. In case you are wondering, we do not need or expect you to respond to this posting, or feel awkward around us, or obligated to sympathize. But if you do decide to respond, please don't hesitate to speak from your heart and tell us how you feel. There are no wrong or right things to say. It is all a part of the healing process.

Thanks for listening. We'll be in touch soon.

Love,
Meggan